Do you attract unavailable men?
Do you attract unavailable men? Read on!
One of the main reasons women reach out to me is because they’re in a pattern of attracting unavailable men
Often they are aware that this is mirroring something within them – that they must also be emotionally unavailable in some way, but they have no idea how, so I thought I’d break it down here
These are some of the ways you become emotionally unavailable to yourself and therefore to others:
Using a strategy over being honest about what you feel – that looks like over analysing what you should do and how to respond so that it looks a certain way (not too needy/keen/over emotional etc. rather than what is true)
Feeling one way but expressing something else for e.g. saying ‘I’m fine’ when really you’re upset
Blaming other people for how you feel. ‘You’ve made me so angry!!!!’ Instead of taking responsibility for your feelings and expressing them honestly without blame for e.g. ‘I feel really upset about that and the story I’m creating about it is I am not loved’
Distracting yourself from yourself so that you aren’t tuned into your own needs, feelings, desires and boundaries – an e.g. of this would be thinking a lot about other people and what they need or should do with their lives rather than about what you need or should do with yours
Knowing what you need but being scared to express it to your partner in-case it ‘scares him off’ this is basically controlling how you want to be seen instead of being authentic
Playing it cool
Using seduction to get what you want – ‘being overly focused on being pretty/thin/perfect/accommodating etc. to lure a man in’ rather than being focused on who you’re being and showing up as (the unconscious signal you send out here is that you are not enough as you are)
Playing a role of what you think your partner wants rather than telling them what you actually need and want
Being up in your head when you’re in conversation, thinking about what you’re going to say next, or what they might be thinking about you and whether or not they like you rather than being present with the other person and the conversation you’re having
Obsessing about what you imagine other people are thinking about you
Replaying past conversations and events in your mind and analysing what you should have said or done differently
Thinking about past events and making up stories about what ‘should’ have happened
If all your attention is going on the above, you aren’t actually emotionally available to yourself, because you aren’t with you – checking in on how you feel right now and what you might need in THIS moment
You’re emotionally unavailable to you because your thoughts are either in the past, in other people’s business or on strategising how you can avoid being rejected or how to get other people to like and validate you
Emotional availability means:
Being truthful and honest about your current feelings and what you actually need – first to yourself and then to another, even when it might be difficult or uncomfortable
You put time, energy and focus into your own life first and foremost, the things that light you up, bring you joy and have you feel connected to yourself
Being receptive and open
Truly allowing yourself to be seen and known by another, even the parts you think are unlovely
Being able to sit with someone else who is having big feelings without taking them personally and making them mean something about you or trying to fix it for them
You’re able to state and prioritise your own feelings, needs, desires and boundaries
If you’re experiencing a light bulb moment on how you’ve been emotionally unavailable to you, go easy on yourself. I know personally it caused me quite a lot of shame to see how I’d been ’doing it to myself’. If you want support with it you know where I am
Nx