I'm deeply grateful that racism is being unashamedly and publicly exposed... as it has been in the past and as it will need to be again and again and again

And I still processing my own feelings around the conversation about race

The fact that I am white passing has been privately a huge relief to me

I don’t think I’ve ever admitted that to anyone before this week

I’m able to shapeshift around all different echelons of society because of the way I look

 Rather than close doors it’s opened them because I am ‘mysterious’, ‘exotic’ and ‘unusual looking’ etc. etc

I’ve known that I am not in danger from the police like my relatives are

I am not followed in shops or eyed suspiciously

 I haven’t been turned away from jobs because of my skin colour or any of the myriad of other slights and insults my family or other people of colour I know have endured

I’ve been asked if I am Brazilian or Israeli (most common) but also French, Spanish, Dutch, German, Irish, Scottish almost everything but what I am which is Jamaican/Geordie (Geordie is Northern English for those of you who don’t know!)

I have always been open about my mix and people are very often surprised
I’m cool with that

However that doesn’t mean I haven’t encountered racism

The first time was aged 14 when a boy from the RGS called me ‘the ginger nigger’ and other people laughed

When I was 23, my own boyfriend when searching for an insult hit upon ‘you, you, fucking ethnic’ (It’s  really an experience to realise that you’re dating a racist)

Several years later a man I was dating proclaimed to our dinner guests that ‘he’d never been out with a black girl as he just didn’t fancy them’ Awkward

A family member told me conspiratorially and out of ‘care’ that my titled boyfriend would eventually marry ‘one of his own type’ (Did anyone say that to Megan Markle? I am sure they did)

I lived in NW London for years and watched (kinda gleefully I must admit) as many a hardcore Jewish man who thought he’d found a Jewish Princess of Israeli extraction looked rather horrified when I revealed the truth about my heritage

There is also a bigger piece of racism that is very close to home that I am just not ready to publicly talk about but through which I internalised a fear of black men which took many  (many) sessions of coaching to smooth out

A big thank you to the black men who very beautifully loved me as friends even though they could tell I was scared of them at first (they didn’t tell me then that they knew, but they knew and we have openly talked about it since)

So as you can see, for me, its…. Complicated

I wanted to add my voice and to say that I’m being vigilant for my own internalised racism

And I am going to return to sharing about what I know best which is relationship dynamics and communication

And keep listening and learning from those who know (much) more than me, including my sister

With so much love,

Naomi X