The Cat Nip of Unavailable Men

We all learn how to be in relationship with other people from our early caregivers

If they are present both physically and with their attention, loving, kind, model healthy boundaries, self-care and personal responsibility and value emotional expression and regulation then bingo you’ve hit the jackpot of being ‘securely attached’.

If they weren’t able to do that for whatever reason which could be anything from they didn’t have it modelled by their caregivers, there was illness or a situation that compromised their abilities and capacity then the likelihood is that you will have some issues with forming secure, loving and fulfilling relationships with other people – which is what it means to have an ‘attachment issue’

What I have seen in myself and through working with many people is that we all have a ‘starting gate’ attachment style


THE CAT NIP OF UNAVAILABLE MEN

‘The body doesn’t lie unless it’s addicted and then it lies and lies’
Damien Bohler

I grew up believing that the way to know I was attracted to a man was by how it felt in my body

Attraction was a palpable electrical feeling

AND I took that feeling to mean something and that something was that it was meant to be

 It was God whispering ‘this way’

And ‘this way’ I went, at full throttle

I’ve had several long term relationships where I literally moved in with men after one date

It was fun and intoxicating in my 20’s… by my early 30’s I knew something was wrong

I could see the pattern - those relationships hadn’t resulted in what I actually wanted; long-term love and building a family

It was confusing

I had to concede that for me, that feeling, that heady intoxication of sexual chemistry was a red herring

Eventually that lead me to a deep study of attachment theory where I started to understand that my starting gate position was to be anxiously attached

That meant that I put all my attention on my partner and what they might be thinking, feeling and doing – primarily because I was so fearful of rejection

When I am in fear of rejection then I’m not able to see anything clearly

I can’t see what a man’s values are and whether they match up with mine

Whether his words and actions match (integrity)

Whether I feel good in his presence and bloom and grow brighter under his attention

I’m not asking myself any of those types of questions because my sole focus is on ‘does he like me, is he happy with me? And what can I do to make him like me more?!’

When I am operating from my rejection wound I am completely unable to see who the man actually is

I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that doesn’t make for a great relationship

It was an AH HA moment to realise that for me, chemistry indicated a ‘trauma bond’ where I was in my wounding rather than functional adult and of course the reason that it felt soooo good (initially) was because it felt familiar

Subconsciously we are compulsed to look for the love of the parent we most wanted as a child and didn’t get

For me, that was my Mother – all my attention was on being ‘Mummy’s little helper’ and being ‘a good little girl’ so that she would love me

I had internalised the message that I wasn’t enough as I was and that I had to do stuff and behave in a certain way to be loved

So it was that I found myself playing out that pattern of ‘trying to get love’ as an adult woman

Painfully

Over and over again

I didn’t understand men who just seemed to like me as I was and were really taken by me, I thought there must be something wrong with them

It was  a turnoff

I wasn’t used to love coming easy and as we are habitually conditioned to follow what is familiar

Struggling for love was familiar so that’s what I did…

Until I saw the pattern so clearly and incontrovertibly

So now I know, I can trust my body – if it lights up for a man, I know why and it ain’t God whispering ‘this way’

It’s because he activates that familiar wound where I will be trying to get his love and he isn’t actually emotionally available for it

I am not totally against these connections – what it means is that I have to go super super super slow to stay conscious 

I am grateful to say that it’s lost its intoxicating charm

 Because I am done with fighting for love, from my Mother or a man

Now, I am enjoying paying attention to the men I would have discounted quickly and turned away from

Men I don’t feel initially attracted to (It can definitely grow!)

Men who are actually emotionally available and present and have attention on me

It’s a beautiful thing!

If any of this resonates with you and you want to know how to break out of that pattern too, message me and we’ll talk

May we all experience being fully present and available in relationships

Nx